My Reason's Why
by Phantastische
Summary: Tapes that Dan sent out before his death finally make their way to Phil. Phil is forced to go through every video to hear Dan's reason's for why he's gone.
1. Chapter 1

Four months. Four long, hard months it had been without the love of his life. Without the constant sunshine that silly brown haired boy brought into his life; the loss was slowly killing him.

Over time, he had begun to believe that he would never come back from this loss. With his best friend gone, there was nowhere left to turn. There was no one to talk him down from this over bearing sadness that loomed over his life like a rain cloud.

Phil remembers unmistakably what had happened that day. Looking back on it, it seemed his perception turned everything into slow motion, even before he knew what was behind that door.

A lifeless body amidst a room adorned with secrets that Phil was never trusted with. It destroyed him to think that after all of that time together, Dan couldn't come to him with his problems. He would have helped, done everything in his power and then some to save him, but that was all in the past now.

Phil got up from his bed. It used to be his safe haven. Wrapped in Dan's arms, he was shielded from everything. Now, it was the farthest thing from home. It almost felt wrong to stay in it, to fall asleep with that empty space next to him. Especially since that space used to contain something more precious than anything else on the planet.

He didn't even bother to shower; he hardly bothered to do anything that he was meant to do. The hollow cavity where his heart and soul used to sit overpowered his will to do anything for himself. He was utterly hopeless and alone.

Trudged through the hall, passed the god forsaken door that caused him all this pain, he made his way towards the lounge. Every time he passed that door, he forced himself to stop in front of it, reaching his hand out to feel the wood. Somewhere in his brain he believed that if he tried hard enough, touching the door would bring back the feeling of touching his Dan.

By the time he was able to draw away from the door and choked back some tears, the doorbell rang. He didn't care that his hair was disheveled or he was only in his boxers, it didn't matter anyway. The only person he bothered to look good for was the one person with whom would never look at him again.

A small box. There was no return address, no clue as to where it came from. There was only his name and address staring back at him. He placed it on the table, not bothering to open it for fear of it being another sympathy gift. He had received a lot of those over the time and each one ended up where they were meant to be, the dumpster.

He went about his day just like he would any other, sitting on the couch and starring and the blank wall before him. There was no sound anywhere and the only light that was in the room was the small blinking lights from the cable box. A part of shutting out the world involved lots of black out shades and the ability to turn off his mind.

Before he knew it, the day was over. Every single day had been the same since the incident. He got up, ignoring the pain in his stomach for food. Eating used to be a pleasure of his, but now it only made him sick.

He picked up the box on the way out of the lounge, carrying it into his room. This time, while passing Dan's room, he didn't even bother to stop. The small box in his hands already reminded him way to much about the life he used to enjoy.

The box sat staring at him for a good hour. Debating back and forth in his mind whether or not to delve into the realm of pain even more so than normal. It was almost as if an angel was on one shoulder and a devil on the other. He held a box cutter in his hand, moving it back and forth between his fingers.

Eventually the devil won and Phil ripped the package open as fast as he could. The first thing he noticed was a note that seemed to have been opened several times. He placed it on the bed next to him and continued looking through. A phone charger accompanied by a phone lay in the bottom.

He quickly plugged the phone in since it was already dead. It was an older model smart phone, but it still seemed to be in working condition as a light popped on indicating it was charging. After throwing the box on the ground, he gently opened the letter, his mouth gaping open at the sight.

Dan's hand writing. His swoopy, cute little messy letters covered the page, breaking Phil's heart all over again. Tears welled up in his eyes, causing his vision to blur so much so that he couldn't even read the paper. Dan had written him a note before he died and that was enough to put him over the edge.

_My reasons why._ Phil was confused, more than he had ever been. Dan wanted him to know why he did what he did. Dan wanted Phil to take the phone and do as it told him to, to learn about all the people who let him down. Did that mean that he was one of them? Was he a reason behind his own heartache? He couldn't be.

His mind started to panic. What could he have done differently? If he could just go back in time and take back whatever reason it was that dealt with him, he would. He would do anything for Dan.

The whirl of thoughts going through Phil's mind caused him to get light headed. He rubbed his head, desperate for everything to stop, but it wouldn't. The pain kept getting worse until he passed out, allowing him to finally get some decent sleep for the first time in who knows how long.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan's parent's old home. That's where the first video took Phil. I had taken Phil a while to get through the whole video of Dan explanation of the first place because just listening to his voice and looking at his face caused Phil to break down.

The only way to get his self to stop crying was by simply thinking about Dan making these videos. There was a reason Phil was on the receiving end of these, and Phil wasn't going to deny Dan his dying wish. Imagining Dan rolling over in his grave was enough to push on.

He replayed the video over and over again as he took the train to the house. While hearing Dan's voice was saddening, it was nice to hear him say something else other than the recording on his voicemail. Phil would never admit it out loud, but he usually called it at least four times a day.

He sat himself down on the curb across the street, just staring at the house. Hopefully the new owners wouldn't think Phil was some creep. He twirled the phone in-between his fingers, getting the courage to finally hit play on the next video.

After ten minutes of willing himself to, he put in his ear buds and watched. Dan's face appeared and he was sitting in the same spot Phil was. A small part of Phil felt like he was connected to Dan in some way. At one point in time, Dan was sitting right here and if time could bend for a few seconds, he could see him all over again.

'_Well hello there. I'm glad you decided to take my little adventure. Just a heads up. This little 'adventure' may hurt a few of you if not all of you.'_

Phil's stomach flipped. The overwhelming urge to become sick came over him. He wanted nothing more than to pause the video and go home, but he couldn't. He had to keep going not only for Dan's sake, but his own.

'_Right here is the home I grew up in.' _Dan flipped the camera around, allowing Phil to see the view that he would look at if his eyes weren't glued to the little screen. The camera came back around to see that Dan was fixing his hair. Even in his explanation videos he felt the need to look his best and just let Phil giggle for the first time in who knows how long.

'_I guess you're wondering why I brought you here. I always told everyone my childhood was great, which it was. Mom, Dad, you were almost perfect parents. I say almost because of one reason, that being the reason with which you are here.'_

Phil paused the video to wipe his eyes. The reasons hadn't even escaped Dan's mouth yet and he was already crying. He hated hearing Dan in pain, and he could already tell in his voice that he was about to get there. After a few more minutes of prepping himself, he pressed the play button.

'_Remember the first time I brought a girl home. You guys were ecstatic. You were so happy that I had finally gotten the courage to ask someone out. Then when I got older and I started dating Jess, you were even more than happy. You were convinced she was going to be your new daughter-in-law, and for a while I believed it too.'_

Phil's heart dropped; he didn't really want to hear about Dan's almost proposal to someone that wasn't him.

'_But then something happened. Jess and I took a small break. I think you guys took it worse than I did. We were only meant to be apart for the times I was away at school because we were young and knew long distance wouldn't work for us. When I went off to Uni, I started hanging out with my friend Phil more and more. I started to realize that I enjoyed Phil's company far more than I ever did Jess's, but of course I would never have admitted that out loud while alive.'_

Phil let out another laugh, completely ignoring the tears forming in his eyes. Dan loved him more than he ever loved anyone else and that was enough for him to live on for the rest of his life.

'_I brought him over for Thanksgiving that year rather than Jess. I know you were suspicious, but you still held onto the fact that I said Jess and I would be back together soon. As we all know though, that never happened.'_

Phil thought back to that first Thanksgiving. The first time he ever met Dan's family. He felt like they were acting a little odd towards him, but it all made perfect sense now. They thought Jess would come through the door and back into their lives, not some scrawny northern boy.

'_As the months passed on, Phil and I got closer forcing Jess and I further apart. This brings me to my first reason. Your reaction to Phil and me. I decided to tell you guys without Phil around, just in case you took it badly. Good thing I made that call. If Phil knew half the things you said to me, it would break his heart.'_

Phil's mind instantly started to race. Dan had told them before? But they had told them together. Phil finally made the connection. Those smiles on their faces and hugs they offered weren't real. They were rehearsed, and Dan made sure it would end up that way.

'_There was lots of screaming and fighting. You guys just weren't very accepting. You got better over time, but that first fight was the worst. You told me to get out. You made me leave so you could have time to think. Since I had no money for a train back to see Phil, I went to the only place I could think of.'_

Dan had paused there, not telling where the place was just yet. Almost as if it was a funny game, but it was just agonizing.

'_I want you guys to know that I love you. You were the best parents I could ask for. I am so thankful that you gave Phil a chance because I honestly love him more than I've ever loved anyone else. With that being said, I still know that you disapprove. I can see it on your faces whenever I come home. I can hear it in your voices as you do your best to avoid those conversations. I really needed you to be alright with it, but you never will be and I understand.'_

After those heartbreaking words, Dan stopped talking again. You could tell, even from the little screen, that he was fighting back tears of his own. Phil could only imagine how Dan's parents were taking it.

'_And that's really it for my first reason. Now for the second, I need you to go to the place I went that night after the fight. Once again, the address is in the notepad. You'll understand what and who it is when you get there. Goodbye Mum and Dad. I love you.'_

And with those last words, the video went blank and Phil was left to stare at the home screen of the phone.


End file.
